The Sex Manual, By The Numbers
Just a few passing thoughts, on this Wednesday afternoon...
Well, the other shoe has dropped in upstate Albany, New York, where sex panderer Eliot Spitzer tendered his letter of resignation from the office of Governor of New York today, to be effective Monday, March 17.
I hope the orgasms were fly as hell, because to lose one's job behind them is a hell of a price to pay for the pleasure. And the kicker: it's alleged that he dropped some $85,000 on his sexual pleasures.
$85,000.
Next, Mr. Spitzer isn't the only politician who's had a not-so-momentary lapse in penis control or judgment. The other nincompoop I'm thinking of is the mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick.
In case you've not been following that bit of Greek tragedy, Mr. Kilpatrick is in a mess of trouble behind his sexual indiscretions. He had a long-running affair with his Chief of Staff Christine Beatty (the wife of one of his good friends, I might add) in which the two married-to-other-people lovebirds exchanged 14,000 mostly sexually explicit text message forget-me-nots using city-leased telecommunications devices between September – October 2002 and April – May 2003.
14,000.
In an attempt to hide the felonious fucking, it was alleged that Kilpatrick and Beatty had the police chief and a member of the Mayoral protection detail fired. That led to civil suit wherein, Kilpatrick and Beatty did a collective Bill Clinton, and lied, saying, under oath at trial, that they didn't have an affair. After about 3 hours, a verdict awarding the cops $6.5 million in damages was rendered. And then, The Detroit city council, unaware of the text messages at the time, nor aware of a secret confidentiality agreement aimed at attempting to hide the text messages, decided to pay $8.4 million to the chief and the dismissed officer.
$8.4 million.
Kilpatrick just gave his State of the City speech, where he blamed all his troubles on being black in Detroit.
Really? Because you are African-American.
Naw brother...Your troubles came from 14,000 damn text messages! And who the eff sends fourteen-thousand texts anyway????
After these examples, I am convinced that there needs to be a book of some sort, not thick like our economics or physics or calculus texts in college, but something perhaps pocket-sized for ease of reference and quick use, published for the benefit of those seeking or presently in public office. This text, I think, should be titled:
A Practical Guide To Prohibited Sexual Activities, And Proper Sexual Conduct For The Public Servant.
Or maybe:
Sex In Political Office For Dummies.
Lord knows, these cats need something to inform them of what not to do of a sexual nature, while in office. It would have chapter titles and excerpts such as:
The Proper Use of Telecom/Communications Devices and Services In The Digital Age - "...The potential for exposure is an ever-present danger to be avoided, in part, by not using devices owned by an authority, municipality, county, state, federal or other governmental entity...Also, avoid non-voice call digital communications -- emails, text messages, Instant Messages, etc -- as they can be archived indefinitely and recalled at a later date, inconveniently for one's career and family life. Perhaps consider "throwaway" cell phones, (common in the illegal drug trade and in Europe), or better yet, use paper letters as, while they are somewhat inconvenient and 'old school,' at least paper can be effectively disposed of by burning, or discarding in the trash..
Public Solicitation Is A Crime - "...More commonly known as the Larry Craig rule, attempts to solicit sex from strangers in public spaces usually ends in arrest, and at the very least, public embarrassment. Perform your solicitations through a surrogate, who can be trusted (or disposed of at a later date)..."
Economize and Watch Your Spending - "...Spend less with your house of ill-repute, and use fungible tender, such as cash, or perhaps expensive items of definite worth (gold, jewelry, bearer bonds, etc). Avoid credit cards, bank cards, checks, and wire transfers, or other means easily traceable by investigators. Additionally, economize where possible. Ask oneself, if it is necessary to spend another hour with your companion during that visit? Might we save money fornicating in a three-star, rather than a five-star hotel? And should you find yourself insatiable, work out a 'bulk rate' or a cash discount with your sexual practitioner, entitling you to volume discounts..."
Subvert Your Personal Kink - "...Reserve your kinky, unsafe, or extremely abnormal sexual practices for non-paid partners. Personal (non-transactional) relationships allow exploration of these deviant practices. The paid practitioner might object, become frightened or embittered by your insistence on endangering them, thus exposing you to being revealed. You may then have to resort to extreme measures (resignation, slander, even suicide and/or murder) to remove public scrutiny..."
Avoid Becoming A Dullard - "...Repeated illicit liaisons may cause you to become insane (either because of the transmission of syphilis, or because you begin to get drunk with sexually-related power). Like any other stimulus, misuse often damages one's brain. Limit your exposure..."
Well, the other shoe has dropped in upstate Albany, New York, where sex panderer Eliot Spitzer tendered his letter of resignation from the office of Governor of New York today, to be effective Monday, March 17.
I hope the orgasms were fly as hell, because to lose one's job behind them is a hell of a price to pay for the pleasure. And the kicker: it's alleged that he dropped some $85,000 on his sexual pleasures.
$85,000.
Next, Mr. Spitzer isn't the only politician who's had a not-so-momentary lapse in penis control or judgment. The other nincompoop I'm thinking of is the mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick.
In case you've not been following that bit of Greek tragedy, Mr. Kilpatrick is in a mess of trouble behind his sexual indiscretions. He had a long-running affair with his Chief of Staff Christine Beatty (the wife of one of his good friends, I might add) in which the two married-to-other-people lovebirds exchanged 14,000 mostly sexually explicit text message forget-me-nots using city-leased telecommunications devices between September – October 2002 and April – May 2003.
14,000.
In an attempt to hide the felonious fucking, it was alleged that Kilpatrick and Beatty had the police chief and a member of the Mayoral protection detail fired. That led to civil suit wherein, Kilpatrick and Beatty did a collective Bill Clinton, and lied, saying, under oath at trial, that they didn't have an affair. After about 3 hours, a verdict awarding the cops $6.5 million in damages was rendered. And then, The Detroit city council, unaware of the text messages at the time, nor aware of a secret confidentiality agreement aimed at attempting to hide the text messages, decided to pay $8.4 million to the chief and the dismissed officer.
$8.4 million.
Kilpatrick just gave his State of the City speech, where he blamed all his troubles on being black in Detroit.
Really? Because you are African-American.
Naw brother...Your troubles came from 14,000 damn text messages! And who the eff sends fourteen-thousand texts anyway????
After these examples, I am convinced that there needs to be a book of some sort, not thick like our economics or physics or calculus texts in college, but something perhaps pocket-sized for ease of reference and quick use, published for the benefit of those seeking or presently in public office. This text, I think, should be titled:
A Practical Guide To Prohibited Sexual Activities, And Proper Sexual Conduct For The Public Servant.
Or maybe:
Sex In Political Office For Dummies.
Lord knows, these cats need something to inform them of what not to do of a sexual nature, while in office. It would have chapter titles and excerpts such as:
The Proper Use of Telecom/Communications Devices and Services In The Digital Age - "...The potential for exposure is an ever-present danger to be avoided, in part, by not using devices owned by an authority, municipality, county, state, federal or other governmental entity...Also, avoid non-voice call digital communications -- emails, text messages, Instant Messages, etc -- as they can be archived indefinitely and recalled at a later date, inconveniently for one's career and family life. Perhaps consider "throwaway" cell phones, (common in the illegal drug trade and in Europe), or better yet, use paper letters as, while they are somewhat inconvenient and 'old school,' at least paper can be effectively disposed of by burning, or discarding in the trash..
Public Solicitation Is A Crime - "...More commonly known as the Larry Craig rule, attempts to solicit sex from strangers in public spaces usually ends in arrest, and at the very least, public embarrassment. Perform your solicitations through a surrogate, who can be trusted (or disposed of at a later date)..."
Economize and Watch Your Spending - "...Spend less with your house of ill-repute, and use fungible tender, such as cash, or perhaps expensive items of definite worth (gold, jewelry, bearer bonds, etc). Avoid credit cards, bank cards, checks, and wire transfers, or other means easily traceable by investigators. Additionally, economize where possible. Ask oneself, if it is necessary to spend another hour with your companion during that visit? Might we save money fornicating in a three-star, rather than a five-star hotel? And should you find yourself insatiable, work out a 'bulk rate' or a cash discount with your sexual practitioner, entitling you to volume discounts..."
Subvert Your Personal Kink - "...Reserve your kinky, unsafe, or extremely abnormal sexual practices for non-paid partners. Personal (non-transactional) relationships allow exploration of these deviant practices. The paid practitioner might object, become frightened or embittered by your insistence on endangering them, thus exposing you to being revealed. You may then have to resort to extreme measures (resignation, slander, even suicide and/or murder) to remove public scrutiny..."
Avoid Becoming A Dullard - "...Repeated illicit liaisons may cause you to become insane (either because of the transmission of syphilis, or because you begin to get drunk with sexually-related power). Like any other stimulus, misuse often damages one's brain. Limit your exposure..."
0 TrackBacks
Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: The Sex Manual, By The Numbers.
TrackBack URL for this entry: http://www.obsidianhustle.com/cgi-bin/mt/mt-tb.cgi/154
That book you want to create would be a simple pamphlet. Maybe even as simple as a party plugger.
Only do your wife.
Don't talk about doing anyone elses.
Hookers and prostitutes are off limits.
Say nothing racially, sexually, or gender offensive.
Don't spend public money on personal stuff.
Kiss the babies.
Or the Golden Rule: If it is bad when athletes do it on Sportcenter, it probably won't look good for an elected official to do it...
Hilarious, Tony!
And effaridi, I would add to your list only one thing for us animal lovers (remembering Michael Vick): Pet, not abuse, the animals, because they are man's best friends.